i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
