how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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