So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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