FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize