She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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