last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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