thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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