Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
