You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
