i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i want to swaddle you in tequila
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
