Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
