My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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