All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
