I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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