She said her name was "party"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
