do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
