Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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