Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
