I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
