so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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