I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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