i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
