I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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