I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
