Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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