Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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