sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
