Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
