An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
