I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
