I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
