you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
When did angry sex become our thing?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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