You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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