you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
