Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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