hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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