If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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