My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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