Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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