My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
