now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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