I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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