First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
