I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
