Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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