My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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