She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so let's talk penis.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
