There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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