he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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