So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
