so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
