I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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